Maybe Not Always - by Humna Malik

You’d always loved the rain. Feeling as if all your problems, all your sins, were being washed away. You said it made you feel euphoric. But our fates are cruel. They love messing with us. Or maybe they just love messing with me. I suppose they thought it would only be fair if someone else learnt to hate what they loved the most. A cruel way to satisfy their twisted sense of humour if what you loved so much were to end you. And oh Lord how I hate it. If you were here, you would’ve laughed and told me that the poor rain, something so beautiful, didn’t deserve to be on the receiving end of my hate, a vicious and cruel thing which lasted eons. Unforgiving and unyielding. It was the only one thing you always wished you could change about me. You thought someday it would take me under and the weight would be so heavy I wouldn’t be able to crawl my way back up. And you were right. Just like all the million other times, you were right. But I don’t care. I don’t care if I drown anymore because there’s nothing waiting for me back up. Absolutely nothing. Another fact you would have disagreed with. But it’s true. You’re gone. And no matter what you would’ve said, nothing is ever going to make it better. Or even remotely bearable. I remember that day as vividly as I remember your smile. The sky was extremely bright. The rain was falling as lightly as a feather’s touch and the roads were so slippery and it was mesmerizing, but it didn’t last. Good things never do, do they??? The last thing you said to me was “I’m buying you daisies because” and I’d laughed and asked you why but you’d just shook your head.

You never got the chance to get me my daisies though. Your smile was so big it would’ve been a crime to look anywhere else and that’s why I missed it. No one saw the out-of-control car speeding towards us, no one realised, we only heard the screech of that woman with the red clothes whom we’d been making fun of a few minutes ago. But it came too late. The only thing I saw was when the car hit you and you went flying and then I was flying. Flying but I don’t remember ever hitting the ground. I don’t remember hitting anything at all. It was all just- dark. Blank. All I remember is waking up a month after your funeral. I didn’t even get the chance to kiss your face last time. Didn’t get the chance to say goodbye. And so I hate the rain now. And I also hate daisies. I hate everything, I think. Everything and anything and nothing. Everything is nothing now. I keep waiting for it to get better because for all my cynical approach to life, somewhere in the back of my mind I still believe that you’re going to be proven right once again and everything will be okay. I still hope. But it’s not. I’ve been waiting a long long time and I’m still there. Every time I close my eyes, I see you flying. Every time I hear someone scream, it’s that red woman all over again. Hope is painful. You taught me how to live and then you left me. I’m back at square one. The only reason I’m not up there with you is that I had promised you I’d try. And I did. I truly did try. I tried with all I had. But it has become very hard and so I’m writing this. This is my final apology to you. I’m sorry I couldn’t try any harder and I’m sorry my hardest wasn’t enough. I’m sorry you had to go because of my daisies and I’m sorry for a million other things which I can’t say because my hands are shaking and my eyes are too blurry. I wish that you’re happy in Heaven because that’s the only place you could have ended up in. I wish I could tell you that I’d be joining you, but such places aren’t for people like me. I want to thank you for making my life better than Heaven for a while. For showing me that sometimes life was worth living. For showing me it was worth loving. I wish more than anything that we had more time. But we didn’t and I can’t take that anymore. This is me telling you that I loved you and will love you for eternity and after, for the last time. I hope death is kinder to me than life was.

~someone who lived

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