I sometimes really wonder what my actual feelings are towards you. Unfortunately, it seems like I can't arrive at a fixed conclusion. I experience confusion trying to constrain “us” under any label. This would make perfect sense because, after everything we have been through, it would be unjust to put a definitive label on “us”. On the contrary, a label is also necessary to save me from going down the overthinking spiral accompanied by guilt and regret.
The thought of “us” is beautiful, refreshing even. It is like a breath of fresh air. It feels like a cool breeze on a hot sunny day which rejuvenates you inside out. It is something we both tried to achieve too at some point in time. The only problem was that we both tried to achieve it at contrasting times.
On a sunny day when everything seems happy and bright, it feels like we are just friends. Good friends. Friends who understand each other better than anyone else. Friends who would do anything for each other. And anything more than that would ruin this beautiful bond that we share. The crazy laughter, our inside jokes, and a hell of a lot of history of beautiful moments define “us”.
On a busy day, it feels like we probably don't need each other anymore. We both have moved on in each of our respective lives, for better or for worse. This self-fulfillment feels so real that we probably don't need to have that hanging string of silent gazes between us too. We don’t need to check on each other occasionally as well.
Sometimes in between a normal day, it hits like a train. Both regret and guilt engulf my happiness and sense of self. It makes me question why I did not take the plunge and held your hand when you asked me to. We would have been happy together, if not happy we would be together at least. I should have taken the risk but then the guilt displaces the regret and the blame game starts. And according to the rules of this game, nobody ever wins and no definitive conclusion is ever drawn.
The most painful realization then strikes on a silent and lonely night. The darkness and the silence of the night remind me of my incomplete life. What do I have without you in my life? There is just darkness, and emptiness. No matter how loud I play the music, my life is still empty. Any random thing would remind me of "us" or probably “you” considering there is no "us" and never was. It makes me feel every kind of emotion that I am not supposed to feel. I long for you. I long for your presence in my life. I long for your touch. I long for your embrace. I long for what we could have been if we both had put a little faith in ourselves. I long for our smiling peeks at each other in the midst of a busy day. I long for our crazy banters ending in one of us spoiling the other. I long for everything I couldn't have. I long for everything I could've had, had I taken the plunge. I long for “you” and I long for “us”.
Had we both waited for each other, given each other enough time to figure out our feelings, wouldn't we be the best things that ever happened to each other?
All these questions and my inability to come up with a single satisfactory answer. Between all of this, the darkness and the unending silence of the night cradle me to sleep, forcing me to deny the painful truth of my deep-seated feelings for you.
The night has passed and it's a new day again. I will have to traverse my way through all these phases while seeing you, again. It’s a new day. I will have to pretend to be your friend while battling in different fields inside my mind and my heart.
With love and regret,
Someone who still longs for you.
Khadija describes herself as just another curious being entrapped in the mind prison overlooked by overthinking; feeling and thinking a little too much.
Find the author on Instagram @khdjzahoor