To The Younger Me: An Appreciation and Apology

Dear younger me,

Perhaps, it has been ages since I spoke my heart out with you. So entangled I was in worldly matters, having a conversation with you became a memory long forgotten, or maybe, the fear of witnessing those regretful eyes of yours keeps me from our confrontation. I have failed to meet your expectations, and that guilt always kept me on edge.

But today, I want to have an open heart conversation with you. Yes, you, who have witnessed how I survived so far. You've seen the hurdles I stumbled upon —miseries entrenched deep within my heart —and of the desires I forsook.

You are aware of my present life, or the least to say, you still breathe within and will continue to be till my lifetime. And, I am not even ready to lose you because your existence made me realize how precious this life is, giving me the strength to fight against all odds—to never give up.

Today, I want to thank you for all you've done for me. You've made sacrifices for me that bring you nothing but more agony, and I, blindfolded, made you do this only to pretend that it will secure my future, without thinking about your sufferings.

You were the one who got betrayed by your loved ones. People mocked you—calling you different names. They create obstacles on your path. They made you think less of yourself just because you didn’t live up to their perception of yours. They made you doubt your potential, shatter your confidence, and question your integrity.

They make a false image of you, and I force you to believe it—letting you fall into their trap. I have made you depend on people's validations to feel good about yourself. Instead of acknowledging your strength to combat any battle, I force you to surrender. The fear of being abandoned or left alone defeats you. You accepted this defeat happily just to please the people around you.

Dear little me, I am sorry for the times when you could've chased your dreams making them a reality, I made you think otherwise. When you can be your own self, I force you to become what people think of you. I did this unintentionally to make you feel loved by the people, but I was wrong. Despite every struggle and compromise you make, people never love you the way you deserve to love. You have always been a loser in their eyes—a complete failure. Your efforts always go in vain. They think of you as someone who has nothing to be proud of—unworthy of any appreciation and love.

But now I understand that you did absolutely nothing that can justify their wrongdoings. There was nothing you could do to take control of their actions. All wrong they did was their own fault, and you don’t have to find excuses for this.

Yes, you were different. You were not made to follow the crowd and be a part of this rat race. You were meant to create our own identity. But alas, I didn't let you learn and live for yourself. Let me confess that I have done more wrong to you than anyone else. I was as blind as a bat to see the world from the perspective of what people call you.

And here, I do not only want to apologize, but I want to confess that I am proud of you. I am a witness to your struggles, and I owe much respect and gratitude for what you've gone through silently. I will forever be indebted to the sacrifices you've made for me all my life. I wish I could find those words that can ease your pain. Only if I was, I want to go into the past and embrace you in the warmest hug to console your trembling self.

It doesn't matter how others think of you; I really do love you from the bottom of my heart and will always be grateful to you. I don't know how things will unfold, and what will come in the future, because honestly, I've stopped beating myself for what I cannot predict. But today, I'll make this promise to you that how far I may get in life, I will always remember where my journey begins.

With love and appreciation,

Aatqa